I’m sitting here writing this with the sun shining on my back, a copy of Reveal in my hands and a man sized packet of McCoys crisps (ready salted just in case you’re interested).
Oh, and I’m watching James shoot arrows into an archery target. Y’know, the hip n happenin thing us young’uns do nowadays.
Archery was something that James has always done since he was young, and he’s recently taken it back up again. It’s one of those things where he has a natural talent for errrr shooting arrows at a target and eating cheese and ham sandwiches?
Jks jks. But the point is that James hasn’t let archery go.
And why should he? He enjoys it, he’s absolutely fantastic at it and aw bae, you have a hobby. Like, too cute.
I had to say goodbye to my little sister Chlöe at the weekend; she’s just embarked on a year long trip to Australia and I’m like woah how did you get so old and why you leaving us boo?
And I get it. I really do, Clo needs to go out and explore the World.
‘Home’ is this gravitional field where you either never leave, or when you do live somewhere else you end up returning anyway because OOH look how cheap the houses are here and wow we can have lunch at this really nice garden centre.
I have a vision that I’m suddenly going to wake up one day, 80 years old and find myself in Kettering bingo hall complaining about the local parking permits to my other old nanny friends LOL.
Just putting it out there, when I’m that old I’m going to be an world class knitter and a cat addict. Which actually, upon reflection, doesn’t sound too dissimilar from my life now… aw damn.
So anyway, when Chlöe first told me that she was leaving I understood completely and was like ah yeah cool. But yesterday, my god, my emotions were like a washing machine – proud, happy, worried, miserable, understanding, proud etc etc.
And I’m thinking, what if she comes back and she’s slightly different? What if she lives out there forever? WHAT IF SHE DYES HER HAIR BLUE AND HAS AN AUSTRALIAN TATTOO AND COMES BACK WITH A KOALA BEAR?
Then that’s OK.
I need to learn to let go of that image that I have of her as the cute 5 year old, or the annoying 11 year old, or the sassy 16 year old.
I need to learn to let go of the idea that no matter how much things change with me, everything else and everyone else in my life aren’t going to change too.
Even then, even with my own life I know I’ll be sat reading this in 10 years time thinking ‘when me and James weren’t engaged….’ ‘when me and James still lived in Bristol….’ ‘when me and James had our beloved Fiat 500 X….’
Am I ready to let go of the good times that we are having now, to grow supposedly older and ermmmm wiser? (This is just a theory but I like Harry Potter and potato smiley faces too much so that’ll probably be a no LOL).
But really I suppose it’s yes; things are changing every day in the most minute kind of ways you wouldn’t be able to notice until it’s years down the line. It’s almost as if I’m mourning the times that we have now even though they’re not over yet, if you know what I mean? I know it will be, one day. I’m like sooo not ready for that to happen just yet LOL.
Well, perhaps I just feel like it this week? I’m sure my irrational hormones will want me talking future, changes and hey James did I tell you I want to devote the rest of my life to be a Blair Waldorf lookalike? Jks (secretly not joking Blair’s totally the boss).
When I was younger, I always thought that people in their twenties knew what they were doing, like they had it all figured out whatever the heck that’s supposed to mean. I actually feel like I’m asking more questions recently than I’m finding the answer to.
SO *deep breath* I’m going to enjoy right now, make loads of memories, FaceTime Chlöe in Australia and continue to make James cheese and ham sandwiches to take down to the archery field.
Is anyone else freaking the eff out about the future?
BRB whilst I hide under a blanket with a big bag of Haribo and a battered copy of the Chamber of Secrets.