Most of the time I’m fulfilled.
Like that overwhelming, warm feeling of knowing that my job is good, my relationship is great, I’ve just been out for brunch with the girls after my quick sesh at the gym and to top it off, I blogged until midnight because BOY am I on form today.
If I could, I would srsly make myself that sparkly, golden version of me everyday because I’m productive, energetic and I’m all WHO RUNS THE WORLD (me).
But sometimes, sometimes I don’t feel like that.
Sometimes I am so incredibly lonely all I can do is focus on one thing. I mean, sometimes I barely have the energy to get up from my blanket-burrito-slash-cave I’ve been sitting in for a couple of hours because all I can think of is ‘I’m so alone’ and ‘why does nobody ever message me’ and FFS even Netflix hasn’t noticed I’ve been watching How I Met Your Mother for about 6 hours now.
Loneliness is just temporary but you need to come back with a refreshed mind and a plan, otherwise you could end up falling deeper and deeper into a black hole that is really hard to get out of.
The first time I felt really alone was when I started a new school in sixth form; not only was starting a brand new school all over again with new teachers, building and people hard enough, but whenever I was struggling with classes or the people in my class I felt as if I was truly alone. No one to help, no one to listen.
Was my issue me all along? I sorta allowed myself to feel lonely and keep on feeling that until I decided to leave school.
But OH BOY how I wished that I could go back now and tell 16 year old me it’s OK to feel lonely sometimes. That loneliness is just temporary but you need to come back with a refreshed mind and a plan, otherwise you could end up falling deeper and deeper into a black hole that is really hard to get out of.
The other day I felt lonely for the first time in a while. I’d been stressed out by a possible house-move, overthinking work, beating myself up about procrastinating going to the gym and ordering copious amounts of Chinese food the day before cus FFS I have no willpower and why am I not a size 6 after one post Christmas gym session?
And to top it off, literally no messages from anyone about anything which made me think OH GOD I’m a hugely unsociable hermit no one loves me blahblahblah.
So I decided to try and combat my loneliness instead of continuing to mould the shape of my unmoved body from the sofa because LOL if I stayed there any longer I probably would have been swallowed up whole by the scatter cushions.
I needed to get off social media for a bit. Social media has this horrible habit of making you feel you sparkly and motivated one minute, and the next I’m like why doesn’t my arse look as good as that? How did she get her living room looking like that mine is pants in comparison. Why can’t I be spending New Year in the Maldives? OH YES BECAUSE I’M LONELY AND HAVE NO ONE TO GO WITH (and the spiral continues for another 3 hours or so).
Luckily for me my phone ran out of battery, so to resist all temptation I put my iPad on aeroplane mode because how many pictures of a flatlay brunch can you see anyway before feeling weirdly turned off from having avo and eggs on sourdough bread ever again and being reminded of that you have no-one to go with anyway?
So, I then started looking at my diary and started booking some plans even though I really didn’t want to right at that moment and I couldn’t even imagine ever leaving my house again, just that little knowledge that tomorrow is the chance to do something slightly different from today left me feeling better.
Not just better, almost like I needed to take that step back to think about the week ahead and remotivate myself to get back out there and own it all over again *sassy finger wiggle*.
Just having that little knowledge that tomorrow is the chance to do something slightly different from today left me feeling better.
It then got me thinking about why so many of my weekends are free RN I mean, we’re saving atm so that means no meals out and definitely no more Estée Lauder makeup for a while, but I hadn’t made plans with my friends in so long I would have been suprised if they still remembered what I looked like anymore LOL complete exaggeration, you can’t forget this face.
I reached out to my friends and it was SO GOOD to hear about them and what they’d been up to that I felt so incredibly guilty for not reaching out to them sooner. Feeling lonely always makes me wonder why I never receive any messages and why does no one ever seem to want to speak to me, but I realised that maybe my friends were waiting for me to reach out to them too.
Feeling lonely can actually be a great opportunity to turn a night from feeling like the World is against you into the perfect evening to learn how love to be in your own company. Over time, I’ve learnt that I can combat boredom and loneliness by making my way through that reading list I always intended on starting, pushing through my feelings and working hard on my blog or TBH it’s mostly spent with a face mask on, sitting in a warm bath giving myself a HUGE detox (BIG glass of wine in hand).
IDK whether it’s just me but I usually have such a large to do list that as much as I REALLY, REALLY don’t want to, keeping busy prevents those pesky feelings of loneliness from completely knocking me over and basically paralysing me to do anything other than the ability to shuffle downstairs to collect a dominoes pizza because comfort food amiright.
Loneliness makes you re-evaluate about what makes you happy, and why it feels like something’s missing from your life right now.
Who cares if you just wanna lie in your week old pyjamas eating a large tub of Haagen-Dazs feeling slightly alone with only the company of the Gilmore Girls to try and cheer you up?
It’s OK to feel lonely sometimes because before you know it, the best version of you will be out again soon.