Hi there internet babes.
It feels really strange sitting down at my computer to write again, mostly because I’ve been dying from the worst stomach thing all week and HOLY HECK, I feel like my body has been invaded by bacteria.
Since when has lying on the sofa with my pyjamas on and my head being stroked a bad thing, right?
So, I’m stocked with paracetamol and LOL I’m about 10 foot away from the bathroom so I have a feeling I’m probably going to make it through today.
I’ve been reflecting (as you do when you’ve been asleep most of the day and have run out of episodes of Stranger Things 2) about just who I am and who I want to be and well, it’s prompted this post.
I’m not going to lie to you, trying to find my own identity over the course of my life has been hard. Really hard.
I have been through loads of phases in my life. Srsly, I can pretty much describe my life by what kind of ‘phase’ I was going through at the time. Can I can a hell yeah for these oh so typical phases of the noughties – new girl, townie, scene kid, arty/ bookish, jack wills girl.
LOL y’know the type, 2010 kinda era, everyone had a JW shirt, Gilet or Hoody (I had all three, wayoo) and alluded that kind of care free but ‘high end’ for the time fashion. People started to care about brands, close knit friendship groups, and which top 10 university you just had to get into because if you weren’t aiming for Imperial or Oxford was there really any point? (FYI – I didn’t end up going to University. DUN DUN DUN).
I never fell into a niche comfortably, I would always drift backwards and forwards trying to work out what worked for me and what didn’t. It’s safe to say that, in all fairness, I’ve learnt a bunch of life lessons along the way, like:
1. Thick heavy black kohl liner on the bottom eyelid with nothing on top is never, never, never going to look or end well.
2. Hair ‘bumps’ are annoying and really just make you look like you have a plastic cone on top of your head.
3. Red hair only looks good on Rhianna. Qweeeen.
4. You really don’t know anything about fine art when you’re 15 and fake glasses certainly don’t help you look bookish. At. All.
5. 3 day greasy hair being continuously straightened looked like two slabs of cardboard stuck on your face.
‘I’ve realised that style and personality is fluid. I don’t have to confine myself to being a consistent representation of who I am, because every aspect of me, is me.’
The hardest part was that I would always struggle with when I was a teen was that I always came across someone smarter, funnier, more stylish, more creative than me, it would really throw me off. I always wondered how the heck did it seem that everyone had their shit figured out? All my friends were seemingly comfortable in their own skin and I felt like I was floating around, trying to source my inspiration from all of those around me.
I know what I’m like, even in life now, if someone else is louder, more opinionated or can articulate their thoughts better than I can, I always feel as if I need to change my mind to fit with them. I’ve always liked to think that I can be flexible and that I have the ability to see and understand everyone’s point of view, when in reality I sit on the fence and allow other opinions to sway me.
Wear more t-shirts. Don’t dress smart. Wear less eyeliner – you look better. Don’t wear prints. Blah blah blah.
I’ve always recognised that my indecisiveness is my worst enemy – I never had a clear goal of who I wanted to be cus LOL, by Friday it would have changed from dental hygienist, to international woman of business, and then back to last weeks idea of not worrying about my career or my style and making a vow to wear less make up.
But I’ve realised that both style and personality is fluid. I don’t have to confine myself to being a consistent representation of who I am, because every aspect of me, is me. In reality, the only version of me which matters is the kind of person my cats think I am. Keeping’ it real y’know?
I don’t have to always fit into what society, friends, heck even my family think I should be. As women, we receive so so much pressure to keep on top of upcoming trends and particularly if you’re a fan of Instagram, you’ll feel that additional pressure of being one of the first gals to create a new trend.
I was literally scrolling through my feed the other day and I was thinking that really, I could do without that extra pressure in my life and I’m going to concentrate on wearing clothes and styles that I like, whether it gathers those valuable double taps or not. I guess the same goes for new clothes as well, I mean guuurl I do not have the $$$ to buy new clothes every week, and generally if I post an outfit online it’s 99.37% likely I would have had it in my wardrobe for months.
So LOL am I saying that basically I would make an awful fashion blogger?
Srsly though, this is how I’m going to see myself for the rest of this year and going forward. I’m not going to be THAT kinda girl. I’m not going to be any type of girl.
I’m going to be me.
Also, shameless plug for my Instagram – feel free to have a bit of a poke around and follow here.