It’s cold. I have the heating on, a pair of fluffy socks, I keep on making cups of tea but it’s still absolutely freezing. I can feel that we’re getting ever so deeper into the Winter months but really, do any of us feel ready?
I mean, I’m usually bumbling around until mid January trying to find my missing glove whilst both my hands have been freezing all Winter long and eh, what d’ya know, the weather seems to be picking up and we’ll all be wearing cute blouses and denim jackets again in a few weeks. Typical me eh!
The Gilmore Girls are on in the background, my Stoneglow candle lit, the cats are asleep, I had the biggest brunch earlier (triple stacked pancakes with bacon and eggs and you wouldn’t believe how good it was), I’ve slipped into my comfy clothes early, I’ve got a gin and tonic and srsly, can life get any better?
But there are bad moments as well; despite the weather, my crap hair day today, my worries about my weight, my career and our finances, my chipped nail varnish and the overloaded dishwasher that’s waiting for me downstairs, I realised that I am happy.
Not just any old happy, but truly happy from the bottom, most deepest part of my heart.
But it’s taken some time to get there, I mean a lot of time.
‘It’s not that I felt jealous, it was just pure remorse for my own decisions, lack of judgement and stubbornness’
I’m sure, like most people, that over the course of my life there’s been events or decisions that I’ve made that I haven’t been happy with which have ultimately have had an effect on the life that I lead today.
Some of those decisions came to be some of the biggest regrets of my life. Leaving my secondary school, not going to university, the way that I’ve treated people that have come in and out of my life, the ways that I’ve handled things, past relationships and tbh, some of these really aren’t easy to talk about.
University, or the lack of it, became one of the greatest decisions that I struggled to try and wrap my head around. At one point, I would be in a constant state of worry; everyone that I knew was at University and I could see what the life was like – working hard and getting a greater education, bunking lectures, living with other people my age, managing my own time, making my own dinners, going out on nights out, making new friends. It’s not that I felt jealous, it was just pure remorse for my own decisions, lack of judgement and stubbornness.
I’d go to bed beating myself up – why did I do this to myself? Why have I been so stupid? Can’t you see how much you’re missing?
‘Why did I do this to myself? Why have I been so stupid?’
Sometimes I have the most mental dreams, I mean last week I had some random dream that I was hosting a baby shower, we ran out of balloons and cake and LOL I ended up crying and cancelling the whole thing even though it wasn’t my party.
But during some of the worst periods of my life, my dreams were played out as if it was rewinding back to moments where I had to make an important decision. Almost to the point in which, in my dream, I would watch my life back as if it was a movie and I had absolutely no control of the outcome. Then I would wake up; confused as to where I am and for the briefest of moments I would feel 15/16 again and sick to the bottom of my stomach.
I would then spend all day, all week, in a state where I would constantly be questioning myself. What would my life be like? Where would I be now? Would I be more successful, more happy, more fulfilled?
For such an awfully long time I’ve resented myself, really really resented myself and held myself accountable for pretty much everything. I’ve even blamed myself for things that don’t go right in my life at this moment. It’s almost as if I can pin point those ‘Sliding Doors’ moments in my life, if I could change just one thing about my past, could I prevent awful things happening in my future?
‘I’m living my very best life, right here, right now and I’m going to savour every moment of it’
It’s only now that I’m much older that I can look back and realise that they weren’t bad mistakes and they definitely weren’t bad decisions. I look around me now and think this is the life I should be proud to have. If anything, not going to University just made my appetite for success even stronger, and the rewards from all of that hard work even sweeter.
Now, I think of it the other way around. If I made decisions other than the ones that I have made so far, would I have my house, my cats and my fiancé? Would I be financially OK (I mean, you gotta prioritise having enough dolla for decent makeup amiright?) and would I have been in a position where I bought my first property at the age of 23? Would my family be healthy, would I be healthy?
I’ve decided to have no regrets, no mistakes; life is too short and wonderful to keep on holding myself to things that happened in the past and y’know what, earlier this year I let all of that resentment go. Honestly, what is the point in making myself miserable, reminding myself of things which happened in the past, usually out of my control. I can pretty much hear my mum’s voice in my mind ‘everyone else has moved on, why can’t you too?’.
‘I’ve decided to have no regrets, no mistakes; life is too short and wonderful to keep on holding myself to things that happened in the past’
Learning to forgive myself for all the mistakes that I’ve made has taken me a long time, I mean don’t get me wrong, I still have those moments where I wonder what might have been. Nowadays, instead of wondering whether in some other life I’m a multi-millionaire or a World famous blogger (LOL dreaming big here), I wonder whether I can make those opportunities available to me right now, rather than always assuming that my biggest goals belong to a life that I haven’t chosen.
I love my life, my cats, my family and my fiancé, I just need to learn to love myself a little bit more too. I’m living my very best life, right here, right now and I’m going to savour every moment of it.